Flying, fitness, and food

Not-work has been excellent the last few months, especially regarding exercise. Except biking. I've slacked in biking. Gotta fix that.

But I have a good reason that I haven't biked as much. Several, in fact.

I've attended every possible jujitsu practice save one when I was sick in early February. I spent most of the semester teaching lower belts the basics. As the end of the semester approached, I asked J-man (aka sensei) if I should test for green tip or green belt. He confidently said green belt. Green is the last step below brown and the first color that the home dojo recognizes. I wasn't sure I was prepared for that since I'd missed so many new techniques while teaching newbs, but I trusted his judgement.

My fellow (former) blue belts and I practiced a bunch to prepare for the belt test. Green is a rough test. Suffice it to say that I had a lot of weight driving me into the ground and flew through the air somewhere between waist and chest level. All that practice ended in a sprained ankle right before the test. I hopped up on only my left foot after my first few landings. Sensei asked if I was okay and I said, "I'll be fine." No way am I giving up on the test for a sore ankle!

After a few more landings he stopped me from receiving throws and only had me demonstrate that I could execute the techniques. Our work and perseverance paid off and we all passed. Unfortunately I have to cut out parts of my training for a month or so until the ankle fully heals. Rest assured, I have plenty to work on that don't stress my ankle.

I've also started a new exercise routine outside jujitsu. J-man introduced me to an excellent sports trainer in a city a couple of hours away. Every four to six weeks the trainer gives me a new workout routine geared specifically toward my physical imbalances and goals. For example, my lower back and shoulders are exceptionally flexible. While that is not a bad thing in itself, it leaves me more vulnerable to instability in those areas. The trainer gives me exercises to correct for that. The workouts are challenging and very doable. I can feel and see the results, which is satisfying and a nice change from the murky path of research. I never thought I'd like working out at a gym.

Among other things I never expected is J-man, of course. We've been dating for about six and a half months and it has been so good for me. Not only has he supported me through professional and personal struggles and gotten me to work out regularly, but he can cook! And I mean well. Pasta primavera, pad Thai, pork loin--all of it has been tasty. He roasts coffee, grinds flour, makes yogurt, and bakes fresh bread. The only thing he doesn't do is rhubarb, but I'm working on that ;). He recently admitted that rhubarb crisp is tasty.

In light of that delicious thought, I'm off to the gym. Food tastes so much better when I'm ravenous after a good workout. That wouldn't skew my opinion of J-man's cooking prowess, would it?

The semester I almost didn't have

My last final exam was last Friday. I dropped Spanish, and German and hydrology were uninspiring. I made it to the end of my "at least one more semester" semester. I'm hanging in here. It's a job, it pays, and I'll get a fancy piece of paper at the end.

I've also found a reason to stay in Grad School Town. Yes, it's a man. A sweet, sensual, stable man. He's the saving grace of this town right now, and a major reason I'm still in school. He also runs my jujitsu dojo. (If we do leave, the head of the dojo comes with me and I effectively don't have to leave the dojo--bonus!)

If J-man wasn't here, I'd probably keep looking for jobs around DC. I still think about DC often. I'd love to live in that area, but instant gratification in where I live is not worth giving up what I have here. I can make do in this little town for a while longer and see what the future brings.

Since I seem to be staying, my adviser wants me to finish by the end of 2012. That leaves me two summers and three semesters, the same amount of time I have left on my fellowship. He wants me to defend my prelim in late June or early July. Sure, why not? I've pulled off crazier things. My approach to school and my degree has changed enough that I think I can do it. My frame of mind regarding school gets a little shaky here and there, but J-man helps me stay on track.

Okay, back to work. My prelim is nearly upon me and J-man's and my schedule keep us running, engaged in the world, and happy. I'll tell y'all more details from this past semester sometime in the next week.

Huh, maybe not. Oh well.

Moving to DC doesn't look like it will work by January. That means I will most likely commit to another semester (at least) of grad school soon (i.e., renew the fellowship).

Fortunately, other developments have made that more palatable. It turns out I have more leeway in my fellowship and proposal than I thought. That may be enough to find a way to get through the PhD as a grad student. It'd sure be quicker than doing it alongside a full-time job.

Grad school would also leave me time to do some education and outreach work. Based on a conversation last night during which I briefly explained global climate models and how hail forms to a friend who is not in my field, doing that more may keep me excited about atmospheric sciences. I enjoyed talking about it in that way to an interested (or at least semi-interested) audience. It's been a while since I enjoyed talking about my field.

I don't think I have a bad option right now as long as I can approach it with the right frame of mind. Not to mention, staying in Grad School Town lets me continue with my jujitsu dojo, which I really like :D. I may have to take some day trips for suitable biking terrain.

Finding motivation in observing science

I didn't present at the workshop in Knoxville. I wish I had something from my PhD work to present because I was a minority in focusing on the physical and dynamical aspects of climate science rather than the chemical and biological. I think I would have added breadth to the two days of talks.

Since a lot of them focused on chemistry and my last chemistry class was introductory chemistry for science majors six years ago, I did not understand many details of the studies. Nonetheless, I found the workshop valuable beyond the basic conclusions I gleaned from each talk. Hearing about other's work inspired me to return to my own research. Perhaps Musings of a Life-Long Scholar hit on a good motivational tip: read 1000 words of scientific literature at the start of each work day. I might remember more of the literature that way, too.

Ironically, it is difficult to work while at a workshop. I attended talks all day and networked/socialized in the evenings. It was a perfect time to run programs that require hours of computer time and little babysitting. Running those programs gets me much closer to finishing the figures I need for the MS paper. I hope to have a full draft by Labor Day weekend, if not earlier.

I realize I've set goals like this before and missed them. Too often. I need to meet one of them to restore confidence in myself as a self-driven student. I used to know that without question. I'm not always sure anymore. I keep telling myself that I need time to adjust to the personal upheavals of the past year. At what point do reasons become excuses?

A year makes all the difference - Scientiae, August 2010

I celebrated the first anniversary of depositing my master's thesis a few days ago. Reading my posts from a year ago, it would seem that I have gotten nowhere in the last year. I just started writing my prelim proposal and have yet to submit the paper based on my thesis. Despite my lack of visible productivity, I have accomplished a lot in the past year personally and professionally.

On the personal side, I went from living with my ex-boyfriend and two cats to living alone. That involved a drawn-out transition that I believe is finally coming to a close. My house is much cleaner and more peaceful than before, and I'm confident that I've made good, if difficult, decisions in light of the circumstances life handed me. I am now free to help my family on short notice if my dad's condition suddenly changes. When I'm not visiting family, I am able to focus more on myself and redirecting my life along a more satisfying path. I am becoming more the me I want to be by the day. That involves new career goals, new and renewed hobbies, and learning from all the trials of recent years.

Professionally, I admitted my passion for language and broad learning. As a scientist, I'd face deep learning and technical, utilitarian writing--not the best fit. Because of this seemingly obvious epiphany (as so many are in hindsight), I began to seek training in journalism. A couple of the instructors from the journalism department at my school are working with me to plan a curriculum that will fit with my PhD work. I'm really excited to meet with them in a couple of weeks! I feel more certain in my career plans than I have in years even though they're still developing. I'm running on pure faith that I'll find a way to pay off my undergrad loans (I suppose that's not much of a change).

My hobbies and hope for the future carry me over all the hurdles I face. Part of my life is unpredictable right now because of my dad's illness, but it does not comprise my life. In pursuit of being the best me I can, here some of my goals:

Six months

• pass my prelim
• complete the first objective listed in my PhD research proposal and present the results at a national professional conference
• submit the MS paper
• ride a century (100 miles)
• gain experience in journalism and/or science writing, either through a class or an internship
• test for my blue belt in jujitsu (a stretch, but not impossible)
• continue to read as if my books are disintigrating before my eyes

One year

• complete more of the PhD-specific goals I'll come up with as part of my prelim (TBD)
• have a portfolio of usable writing clips
• start working on the first paper based on my PhD research
• ride my bike a bunch--at least one century next season
• gain proficiency in jujitsu to at least the level of green tip
• travel somewhere new

Instead of feeling lost as I have for many months, I'm excited for all the opportunities coming this year. I only dread two possibilities: letting fear get in my way and my dad's treatment not going well. The former I can prevent. The latter I will ignore unless it happens because there is no way to prepare for it.

To end on a positive note, I am elated about my upcoming tour of the East Coast. I can't wait to visit so many places and good friends. It'll be a great adventure!

---

Posted for the August 2010 edition of Scientiae, hosted by Alyssa at Apple Pie and the Universe.

Celebration (Scientiae, June 2010)

This months Scientiae topic is "celebration." I'm facing a lot of personal and professional challenges right now, so it's a good time to force me to look at what's going well.

Professionally, I feel like I'm finally seeing where I want to go. I love writing and words. I always have. But I have also always loved learning how things work and analyzing the bejeezus out of them. In undergrad, I chose to pursue science because I knew I'd get to learn about and analyze the natural world. I also that scientists have to write a lot. Little did I know of the chasm between the writing I loved in English class and scientific writing. If I wrote a paper in scientific style for any other audience, it'd be burned in horror.

I've also noticed throughout my education that scientists and non-scientists often have difficulty communicating effectively. Each side has a hard time putting themselves in the other's shoes. Scientists want the public to be more informed, and the public wants scientists to explain things more clearly. When one side or the other lacks the ability or inclination to remedy the situation, an intermediary can help.

That's what I want to be. I want to be the middle-(wo)man who helps people see how science impacts their lives and helps scientists understand the needs of society. I want to write about science for a less specialized and non-scientist audience. Given my recent aimlessness, this realization is certainly cause for celebration. It has renewed my enthusiasm for learning and research. I'm really enjoying my copy-editing class and I'm making much better progress toward my PhD on a more consistent basis.

I don't need a PhD to be a science writer, but it wouldn't hurt to have the credential and the time in graduate school may supply many more professional development opportunities. With those extra experiences in hand, I'd have a better chance of finding a suitable job when I graduate, and I'd maintain financial security and flexibility in my schedule and location in the mean time.

Personally, I've been committing more time to things I enjoy. I'm writing more, I'm reading more, I'm traveling more, and I'm more physically active. I've read more books this year so far than I did all of last year, or maybe even in the last two years. I'm riding 75 miles next Sunday. I recently received my yellow belt in jujitsu, which I attend reguarly when I'm in Grad School Town. I spend all of spring break on the east coast with friends just for fun. Before last November, I don't remember taking any trips that were just for fun. They were all family vacations or work-related.

It's incredibly liberating to chase my dreams and passions. None of it is without stress or worry (because those are present no matter what), but it is all completely worth it. I am much happier for following my heart even if it means taking a (sometimes significant) chance and hoping it works. After all, if I won't take risks to be happy, what's the point in having dreams?

See the rest of the carnival, June Scientiae Carnival: We’re Having a Party, at Rocket Scientista.

Quick update, details in subsequent posts

Sorry for the extended absence. I believe life is under some sort of control again such that I can return to blogging.

It turns out that my dad's tumor is more complicated than they originally thought. It is a mish-mash of three different kinds, so they can't tell us much about it. My family and I are forced to take the news as it comes rather than having some idea of what is next.

Dad is half-way through his first round of chemo and radiation. He's doing as well as we can expect given the fact that they're irradiating and poisoning his body. He's only had a little loss of appetite and some fatigue. We are happy with the state of things right now.

As far as school, I think I'm slowly getting back to where I was. I have new/additional plans to give me direction since the past plans didn't seem to help enough. I've enlisted outside help in the form of a career counselor. I want a better idea of my eventual career goal so I have a more solid idea of where I'm going.

In the mean time, I purchased a new-to-me bike for a very reasonable price: 2002 Giant TCR zero. If I plan to ride a century (100mi) this summer (which I do), a road bike is extremely useful. The only problem right now is that I don't know how much money I have due to slow university bureaucracy and I still need to buy some accessories for the bike (shoes, gloves, etc.).

In short, life is almost its normal, busy self and I'm enjoying it.

New plan for a new year

Welcome, everyone, to 2010! I hope your holidays went well.

2009 closed just the way I hoped it would: quiet, happy, with friends and family. I didn't even attempt work over the holidays, so I feel much refreshed on that front.

My biggest challenge last semester was that I didn't know where I was going or why I should care about my work. I wasn't sure I wanted to follow the professor path anymore, and I'm still not sure of that. But, I think I figured out a way to continue with grad school while exploring other options. It's at least worth a try. I should also get back to my motivational program from October. That was a good idea.

If I don't want to be a professor or researcher, why do I need a PhD? Maybe I don't, but it's not going to hurt. The experience of finishing a huge project can apply to myriad jobs. I'm particularly interested in science writing. I've always liked writing, and it's obvious that I like science enough to attempt a PhD. I also see poor or non-existent communication between scientists and the rest of the world. Perhaps I can make a real difference there.

I'm a little disappointed that I didn't try for a journalism degree in undergrad, but that would have added another year and another ~$17k in loans. I have enough school debt as it is. I'm not sure I can take J-school classes here, either. Most of them are reserved for journalism majors. (Why is that, by they way? It was the same in undergrad.) I emailed the teacher of an undergrad science writing course in a different department to see if the course would be useful to me. He suggested it'd be more useful to get an old journalism book and practice on my own since I already (presumably) know how to write. The Idiot's Guide to Journalism isn't exactly a textbook, but it's a start. And it cost me less than five dollars.

Here's my plan. I'll keep working on the PhD and try my darnedest to get the prelim out of the way before next fall semester starts. Then I'm not required to take any classes the rest of the time I'm in school. That will either free me to take whatever classes I want (whether or not they are related to my field) or to leave Uni-town altogether. I can treat PhD research more or less like a normal job, maybe even give myself a time sheet (that probably wouldn't last very long, but it's a funny idea). Then I can schedule at least a few hours a week to work on science writing type stuff. Those add to maybe 50-60 hours/week? If I decide science writing is not for me, I can easily replace it with something else and use the same general framework.

If my mom can handle a full-time job and two tech-school classes on top of normal life, I should be able to make this work, right? I just need a little more self-discipline than she does since I have much less accountability for my time and progress. Maybe a more quantitative plan... next post? We shall see.

December Scientiae 2009

The call for posts asks for my wishes that would make my professional life easier. I always hesitate to think of these things because I'm afraid it will make me less satisfied with the current state of things. Occasionally, however, I think it is good to take stock of what can improve to see if any of it can be addressed. In light of that, here's my list, in no particular order (I have an unhealthy fondness for lists):

1. My work computer dies and I get a new one. The keyboard and touchpad on my little macbook don't always respond very quickly and there are visible ripples that emanate down the screen. That can't be good. If it's going to die, it may as well do it before the warranty is up.
2. I regain motivation and excitement for research and classes. This semester has been a struggle. I quickly lost interest in my classes and they turned into larger energy sinks than they should have been. Also, once I get the paper resulting from my MS research submitted, my research motivation should improve as I start on a new topic for my PhD. I always like starting new things better than wrapping up the details of old projects. I am hopeful for next semester.
3. Small windfall of money to help pay for new professional clothes. I have lost about 15 pounds since I bought my last dress pants and they are quite baggy. I'll have to remedy this one way or another by AGU next week
4. Doctor approval for me to return to my regular exercise activities. I strained a ligament in my knee just before Thanksgiving. The doctor does not want me returning to them until I'm evaluated by the sports clinic on campus. I have an appointment early next week. Since I leave for AGU on Wednesday and will only be in town for a few days between that and heading home for Christmas, so I may not get to jujitsu or rock climbing until January again. That makes me sad. It also makes it much harder for me to work off excess energy or frustration.
5. More regular advising and help setting goals from my advisor. I haven't heard much from him lately and I feel like I've been floundering a bit. Maybe this is just a natural process in which I need to be more self-directed. I don't know where along the continuum I should be by now

Number 1 is not likely. Number 2 is semi-likely, but its duration may be more questionable. Number 3 is not likely either, so I'll have to work that into my budget. Number 4 is only a matter of time, but I'm not very patient. I don't know if number 5 will happen unless I specifically ask for it. Maybe if my motivation returns I won't need this as much.

EOS Fall 2009

I have two exams, one on Friday the other whenever I pick it up. I'm glad this god-forsaken semester is almost done. I'm tired of my classes.

I'm also preparing for AGU. I should be in the final throes, but I'm not. I'm still making figures. Then I need to design a poster and dream up content (based on the figures, of course). Anyone else going to AGU?

After the poster and probably after AGU itself, I'm supposed to submit a paper by the end of the year. I don't know if that'll happen. I hope it will just to get it over with. I want to be done with this stuff.

Then I can start on my PhD work and make the mad dash for my prelims and a conference in May. Does it ever stop or slacken?

For tonight, I'm tired. Goodnight.

Fall Break!!! Yay!!!

Ahhh, fall break!

My mom may have helped me figure out why I've felt so apathetic towards school this semester (in addition to the stress of drama into the beginning of the semester and a bit of burn out from seminar, qual, and thesis in less than six months). I'm not excited about either of my classes this semester. They are both related to my research, but only indirectly. Well, two more weeks and they're over.

Next semester looks brighter class-wise. I'm taking a new class directly related to my research in my department. Granted, it is a bit of an unknown being a new class, but the course title is promising. It is also in a sub-field that I like, but find hard to grasp. Maybe this will help me understand it better.

I'm also taking intro Spanish. I took a year of Spanish in high school... ten years ago. I didn't retain much, as shown when I assumed that nombre had to do with numbers rather than name. It'll be a challenge to learn a year of college Spanish in one semester, especially since I cannot roll Rs to save my life.

Another deadline

I returned to Grad School City on Wednesday. After hashing through recent drama with a friend Wednesday evening, taking a midterm Thursday morning, going to jujitsu Thursday night, and organizing finances Friday, I'm finally ready to say something here again.

Ahhhhhhh!

I also met with the advisor on Friday. He wants a paper draft by next Friday. He's okay that I don't have all the research done that I need to make the paper publishable. As long as I can write up something that looks like a journal article based on my thesis and whatever I've done since, it'll give us a starting point for the article. From there, I can add whatever details I produce and pretty up some figures before we submit.

Even though the idea is a bit daunting, I'm glad he's giving me a more concrete deadline. It should light a fire under my ass to get moving towards a more defined goal. We're hoping to get the paper submitted before Christmas and I have a poster at AGU, so stoke the fire!

Still, ahhhhhhh! But in a good way :)

Grad student confessional

Forgive me, advisor, for I have stalled. It has been seven weeks since I've done research and at least two since I've backed up my computer. I really want to get back to research, I swear. The personal issues are nearly resolved, so I hope this will happen soon.

Granted, I finished my master's in two years while carrying a heavy load of person ordeals and TAing a semester (not common in my department). And I haven't backed up my computer because I recently wiped its hard drive, haven't done any research since then, and need to reformat my backup drive as well. Perhaps I should just blame the equipment... except that my guilty conscience is less understanding than my advisor and would never accept that excuse.

I am quite lucky that my advisor has been so accommodating. My current situation would be much worse without that.

Thank you.

ugh

I live in a soap opera (but it's so much more than that).

Let the semester begin! I said, BEGIN!

On the fourth day of the new semester, I don't feel any different.

In an uncharacteristic bit of procrastination, I have not yet purchased the required book for one of my classes. Speaking of classes, I have two this semester. The one I mentioned above is a stats class, which should be useful for research but may not be particularly interesting in itself. The other, which I'm first attending this afternoon, is on the economics and law of global warming. That one sounds interesting on its own merits. I may be the only scientist in a room full of law students.

I'm now an actual PhD student, but I'm still refining my MS research for publication. I have more motivation to start on PhD work because it will be new and I have the opportunity to make some big strides quickly. With the MS work, I'm mostly wrapping up details. Granted, these details will significantly strengthen the research, but they don't provide any great visible progress. I also need to clean up some of the background sloppiness of my MS research. None of it should affect results, but it will substantially improve re-usability. Somehow, I need to find motivation to tie up loose ends before moving on to something shiny and new.