Making fun

It's official: I'm staying in grad school at least one more semester. I'm submitting a paper with my adviser early next week, then submitting my fellowship renewal. If next semester goes well, I'll just finish grad school. If it doesn't... well, I'll have to face that later. I'll assume for now that it will go well. At least I've learned about academic bureaucracy through this whole process.

In order to do what I can to have a productive semester, I intend to make it fun. I will make fun in my research life, my non-research academic life, and my personal life.

Research is still a question mark. I need to do something related to my proposal, but it does not have to follow it to the letter. In my last post I mentioned that education and outreach may be a good supplement to keep me interested in my research. I don't know how to do that specifically, but I will definitely think about it over the holiday break. Any ideas from the peanut gallery? If I make research fun, I will have no problem completing my PhD.

I'm registered fifth-semester German and third-semester Spanish. I miss languages, so it'll be nice to work with them again. I'm not too concerned about the classes' difficulty because I catch on to languages pretty quickly. I'm also taking a hydrology class. Hydrology will be a new subject for me. I hope it will give me a better sense of nature as a system. Most of my classes only touch on the atmosphere's relationship to the rest of the Earth system.

Making my personal life fun is (for once) the easy part. Jujitsu, biking, cooking, friends... easy :).

My go-anywhere "lab" tools - Scientiae, September 2010

This month's Scientiae topic is research equipment. For me, it's pretty simple. My main equipment consists of my laptop, research group computers, the department computing clusters, and a supercomputer or two. So, yeah, computers. "Lab" is a foreign concept.

This setup lets me work from many locations. In the past few months, I've worked from Wisconsin, Illinois, Tennessee, North Carolina, Virginia, and Maryland (I was too tired in Ohio and refused to open my computer in New York). I can log on to any of the big computers through the internet. Even the data I use is available remotely. I download it to my laptop or directly to one of the other computers from whoever stores it (usually some government organization).

I use the terminal window religiously. I recently added nxclient to my repertoire, which gives me a GUI desktop for an interactive node dedicated to my research group. That's handier than I expected. Between these two interfaces, I can run programs interactively or in batch mode (submit a job that will run when the resources become available).

I reroute the output into a text file so I don't have to babysit the program, I can review the output later, and the program will not crash if my laptop dies or I lose my network connection. If I had to run everything interactively and couldn't record the output, I would have violently and permanently killed at least one computer by now. As it stands, I have non-violently killed several computers several times (including single-handedly jamming the department cluster), but I, my adviser, or the sys admin were always able to bring them back.

And my little macbook is the portal to it all. It's wonderful and dangerous at the same time.

A year makes all the difference - Scientiae, August 2010

I celebrated the first anniversary of depositing my master's thesis a few days ago. Reading my posts from a year ago, it would seem that I have gotten nowhere in the last year. I just started writing my prelim proposal and have yet to submit the paper based on my thesis. Despite my lack of visible productivity, I have accomplished a lot in the past year personally and professionally.

On the personal side, I went from living with my ex-boyfriend and two cats to living alone. That involved a drawn-out transition that I believe is finally coming to a close. My house is much cleaner and more peaceful than before, and I'm confident that I've made good, if difficult, decisions in light of the circumstances life handed me. I am now free to help my family on short notice if my dad's condition suddenly changes. When I'm not visiting family, I am able to focus more on myself and redirecting my life along a more satisfying path. I am becoming more the me I want to be by the day. That involves new career goals, new and renewed hobbies, and learning from all the trials of recent years.

Professionally, I admitted my passion for language and broad learning. As a scientist, I'd face deep learning and technical, utilitarian writing--not the best fit. Because of this seemingly obvious epiphany (as so many are in hindsight), I began to seek training in journalism. A couple of the instructors from the journalism department at my school are working with me to plan a curriculum that will fit with my PhD work. I'm really excited to meet with them in a couple of weeks! I feel more certain in my career plans than I have in years even though they're still developing. I'm running on pure faith that I'll find a way to pay off my undergrad loans (I suppose that's not much of a change).

My hobbies and hope for the future carry me over all the hurdles I face. Part of my life is unpredictable right now because of my dad's illness, but it does not comprise my life. In pursuit of being the best me I can, here some of my goals:

Six months

• pass my prelim
• complete the first objective listed in my PhD research proposal and present the results at a national professional conference
• submit the MS paper
• ride a century (100 miles)
• gain experience in journalism and/or science writing, either through a class or an internship
• test for my blue belt in jujitsu (a stretch, but not impossible)
• continue to read as if my books are disintigrating before my eyes

One year

• complete more of the PhD-specific goals I'll come up with as part of my prelim (TBD)
• have a portfolio of usable writing clips
• start working on the first paper based on my PhD research
• ride my bike a bunch--at least one century next season
• gain proficiency in jujitsu to at least the level of green tip
• travel somewhere new

Instead of feeling lost as I have for many months, I'm excited for all the opportunities coming this year. I only dread two possibilities: letting fear get in my way and my dad's treatment not going well. The former I can prevent. The latter I will ignore unless it happens because there is no way to prepare for it.

To end on a positive note, I am elated about my upcoming tour of the East Coast. I can't wait to visit so many places and good friends. It'll be a great adventure!

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Posted for the August 2010 edition of Scientiae, hosted by Alyssa at Apple Pie and the Universe.

Celebration (Scientiae, June 2010)

This months Scientiae topic is "celebration." I'm facing a lot of personal and professional challenges right now, so it's a good time to force me to look at what's going well.

Professionally, I feel like I'm finally seeing where I want to go. I love writing and words. I always have. But I have also always loved learning how things work and analyzing the bejeezus out of them. In undergrad, I chose to pursue science because I knew I'd get to learn about and analyze the natural world. I also that scientists have to write a lot. Little did I know of the chasm between the writing I loved in English class and scientific writing. If I wrote a paper in scientific style for any other audience, it'd be burned in horror.

I've also noticed throughout my education that scientists and non-scientists often have difficulty communicating effectively. Each side has a hard time putting themselves in the other's shoes. Scientists want the public to be more informed, and the public wants scientists to explain things more clearly. When one side or the other lacks the ability or inclination to remedy the situation, an intermediary can help.

That's what I want to be. I want to be the middle-(wo)man who helps people see how science impacts their lives and helps scientists understand the needs of society. I want to write about science for a less specialized and non-scientist audience. Given my recent aimlessness, this realization is certainly cause for celebration. It has renewed my enthusiasm for learning and research. I'm really enjoying my copy-editing class and I'm making much better progress toward my PhD on a more consistent basis.

I don't need a PhD to be a science writer, but it wouldn't hurt to have the credential and the time in graduate school may supply many more professional development opportunities. With those extra experiences in hand, I'd have a better chance of finding a suitable job when I graduate, and I'd maintain financial security and flexibility in my schedule and location in the mean time.

Personally, I've been committing more time to things I enjoy. I'm writing more, I'm reading more, I'm traveling more, and I'm more physically active. I've read more books this year so far than I did all of last year, or maybe even in the last two years. I'm riding 75 miles next Sunday. I recently received my yellow belt in jujitsu, which I attend reguarly when I'm in Grad School Town. I spend all of spring break on the east coast with friends just for fun. Before last November, I don't remember taking any trips that were just for fun. They were all family vacations or work-related.

It's incredibly liberating to chase my dreams and passions. None of it is without stress or worry (because those are present no matter what), but it is all completely worth it. I am much happier for following my heart even if it means taking a (sometimes significant) chance and hoping it works. After all, if I won't take risks to be happy, what's the point in having dreams?

See the rest of the carnival, June Scientiae Carnival: We’re Having a Party, at Rocket Scientista.

December Scientiae 2009

The call for posts asks for my wishes that would make my professional life easier. I always hesitate to think of these things because I'm afraid it will make me less satisfied with the current state of things. Occasionally, however, I think it is good to take stock of what can improve to see if any of it can be addressed. In light of that, here's my list, in no particular order (I have an unhealthy fondness for lists):

1. My work computer dies and I get a new one. The keyboard and touchpad on my little macbook don't always respond very quickly and there are visible ripples that emanate down the screen. That can't be good. If it's going to die, it may as well do it before the warranty is up.
2. I regain motivation and excitement for research and classes. This semester has been a struggle. I quickly lost interest in my classes and they turned into larger energy sinks than they should have been. Also, once I get the paper resulting from my MS research submitted, my research motivation should improve as I start on a new topic for my PhD. I always like starting new things better than wrapping up the details of old projects. I am hopeful for next semester.
3. Small windfall of money to help pay for new professional clothes. I have lost about 15 pounds since I bought my last dress pants and they are quite baggy. I'll have to remedy this one way or another by AGU next week
4. Doctor approval for me to return to my regular exercise activities. I strained a ligament in my knee just before Thanksgiving. The doctor does not want me returning to them until I'm evaluated by the sports clinic on campus. I have an appointment early next week. Since I leave for AGU on Wednesday and will only be in town for a few days between that and heading home for Christmas, so I may not get to jujitsu or rock climbing until January again. That makes me sad. It also makes it much harder for me to work off excess energy or frustration.
5. More regular advising and help setting goals from my advisor. I haven't heard much from him lately and I feel like I've been floundering a bit. Maybe this is just a natural process in which I need to be more self-directed. I don't know where along the continuum I should be by now

Number 1 is not likely. Number 2 is semi-likely, but its duration may be more questionable. Number 3 is not likely either, so I'll have to work that into my budget. Number 4 is only a matter of time, but I'm not very patient. I don't know if number 5 will happen unless I specifically ask for it. Maybe if my motivation returns I won't need this as much.

August 2008 Scientiae - Transitions

This post is a bit late, though I submitted the text in time for the release of the August 2008 Scientiae.

The topic for August's Scientiae is transitions. God knows I've had a few of those in the past year. Approximately six of them, in fact. Most of them have been life sneaking up on me with little relationship to academia. Some were primarily good, others primarily bad, but none of the major events were wholly one or the other because I learned something from all of them.

The first two major transitions happened voluntarily last August: I moved out of state and began graduate school. This wasn't as difficult of a change as I expected. When I moved a shorter distance from home for undergrad, it was much more traumatic. It was my first time living independently and so far from home. Most of first semester was riddled with anxiety attacks, but I shoved my way through them because I wanted a college degree. This time I had that experience behind me--only the location and distance from home had changed. I still moved to a new town where I recognized nothing and no one. The incentive to stay was much the same, to earn a graduate degree, but staying wasn't as much of a struggle. I started classes soon after I moved into my new apartment, which I'm sure helped the transition by keeping me busy. The classes weren't much different from undergrad and I had no time for research, so it only seemed like the same thing in a new place. I

The next major change was a shock. I got three calls on September 13th from my parents saying that I needed to come home that weekend because Grampa wasn't doing well. In fact, the doctors didn't know if he would live five minutes or five weeks. Of course, I rushed home that night, arriving at my parents' house around midnight. I spent the next five days keeping track of Grampa's medicines, taking care of Gramma, and making sure everyone else was eating. I didn't let my sadness show in front of other people if I could help it because they needed support and someone needed to provide it. I wasn't about to leave my family to fall over. He died September 18th, 2007. This was the first family death I've ever experienced (being the youngest of my cousins, I don't remember my great-grammas' funerals). The following couple of days I helped arrange the memorial. After we all said goodbye, I only had two days at home before I needed to get back to my classes. I'd missed more than a week.

A month minus a day after Grampa died, the universe threw me another life-altering event. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had my first date with the man I want to marry. This was a really good transition. Through all of undergrad I had occasional bouts of loneliness and depression because I felt so alone. I no longer have those. He is far from perfect, but he is all I want.

Transition five was closely related to transition four: the new boyfriend moved in with me. I'd never lived with a boyfriend before. It has been surprisingly seamless in our relationship (moving of belongings is another story). Finances have been a bit rocky because he lost his research assistantship and has had a very hard time finding other employment in our little city, but things are looking up in that department. We plan to get engaged as soon as we can afford it.

Transition six was not so much an independent transition as a reiteration of transition three. In May, my gramma (widow of the grampa who died last fall) was diagnosed with breast cancer. Thankfully she is doing well after surgery, but she still needs to go through many rounds of radiation.

Through all of this, I've seen a counselor a total of three times, two of which were to get help for my boyfriend's depression during unemployment (the third time was not related to any of these transitions). My boyfriend has helped keep me standing through my family's health problems and the general stress of grad school, so he is definitely a good change. I'm not sure what I'd do without him anymore. Even in the mostly bad transitions, like Grampa's death, I learned my own strength. I though I would fall apart when any of my family died. I ended up holding together as well as or better than most of my family. I learn more from transitions than any other part of my life, no matter if they are mostly good or mostly bad changes. I suppose that means I've learned more in the past year than I remember learning in any previous year, and most of it had nothing to do with formal education.